confessions of a serial thinker

Hola!

2004-01-21T00:55:52Z

Howdy, it's been a while hey?

Let's update:

I'm doin fantastic! I got a job yesterday at Convergys, and it seems pretty cool so i'm stoked. $10 an hour too, not bad not bad! Tho my friend Brendan says he might be able to get me a job at a music store that pays $12, so i'd rather do that lol. We'll see.
I'm still livin in the same place, tho i'm gonna be moving into my own place hopefully feb.1, if not, then the next paycheck. Can't wait!!! Hehehe. Um ya so I have a doctor now and i'm on meds so the last few weeks have been damn good actually. I met a cool guy yesterday, so maybe who knows there might finally be some good news in my luv life :P

Oh wait, i didn't tell u all about mr x! How could i forget? Ok so i went down to see him and spent a few days there, and it was fucking awesome. We cuddled like the whole time, and it was so awesome just being with him. Then i go home thinking everything's fine and all that, but he starts avoiding me online and stuff. So i ask him, what's up with that? And a week later i ask again, and he finally emails me and tells me "I wanted to say something earlier but i didn't know how to say it... i love u but i think it's more as a friend. kissing u was like kissing my brother"

AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

God what a miserable feeling. But funny enough, i bounced right back because i've been tossed back and forth by that guy so many times. I still wish it worked out, but it didn't so i'm ok with that.

Anyway, that's all for now. Cya!

Yaaaaaaaaaawn!

2003-12-08T15:16:07Z

What a nice nap. Well sleep. Aah i have been away for a while... let's catch up k?

Well the last update i wrote was about that email i got from Mr x. Since then, he emailed me again to tell me that he was seeing someone. WHAT???? Ugh. After i got that email talk to him or even check that email for about 3 wks. Then one day out of the blue i decided to go on my old msn and see who was on. MR X. He starts chatting to me and being all nice and asking if i got his last email. Ya i did, or at least i thought i did. So we're talking and of course he broke up with that guy, as he would have done with anyone by now. But wait... he misses me? STILL?? what the hell. YES OR NO! I can't take being jerked around like that, lol. Well i can, but i don't want to. But i do have to say that i LOVE hearing him say that. So ya, he wants to get together again, so i go out and buy a round trip non refundable ticket because he lives in another city. And I swear to god, no word of a lie, less than 12 hrs after i buy my round trip ticket (right before christmas no less when i have to be saving my money), he cancels on me. WHAT??? This guy is amazing. But, he says, he will make it up to me. Probably by cancelling again next time :( But he did stop up here the other day and we got to cuddle and kiss and hold each other... it was fuckin awesome. So tomorrow he is picking me up, and i will spend a couple days with him then come back. So all in all, it's gonna work out, except i overpaid on the ticket if i'm only going one way on it. But I love him every bit as much as i did the first and last day we were together, so i really don't mind. Whoever said love was easy? It should be tho. Anyway... ttyl! lol

must be karma

2003-10-07T19:48:33Z

so i haven't written here for a while... what's been going on? glad u asked. i've been seeing my doctor lady and taking the medication and i feel a thousand times better. i have 5 months to work on getting things back on track both personally and with school, and i have the resources to work with now, so i am pretty confident about it all! plus mr x and i have been talking back and forth thru email the last couple weeks, and we both want to get back together, so that's another thing to look forward to! i just hope he is for real and doesn't get scared and run away again because i really love him, but i don't want to be jerked around any more than i already have been... sort of a self preservation type thing i guess. but i do love him and i will make every effort to make things right. but now i have to worry about him meeting someone else before we hook up again. it'll be months before i'll be willing to work on things... mostly because he lives in calgary. i would relocate tho... i tried moving there in june, but the circumstances weren't right for it at the time. but now i have school to work on as well as myself, so i have options to work on both of those things in calgary. but i'm getting way ahead of myself... even tho we both had talked about it before and were willing to try, then he changed his mind... but now he's a lot more independent and... WE'LL SEE!! ok that's pretty much all that's on my mind right now so later!

where da pot?

2003-09-21T22:03:18Z

so mr x stopped by last night with a joint, which was really cool. i miss him so much... and for him to pop in out of the blue like that was just wicked. but then again it reminded me of how GORGEOUS he is... and how much i miss him. but life goes on right? i'm happy that we could sit around and shoot the shit like old times without any awkwardness... tho i really just wanted to jump on him and make love to him. o well, can't have everything. i didn't even get a hug goodbye... :( part of me still thinks in the future when we are both who we want to be, that we might just hook up again. i know realistically it will never happen... i don't even really want it to happen because i know it's not meant to be. he's got a lot of things that he needs to work out, like his place in life and what he wants in the long run. plus he's way out of my league, lol. i just miss the way i felt when i was with him. i miss knowing that someone beautiful and intelligent and just plain awesome actually liked me and kissed me and sucked my dick. that was really cool. but it would never work anyway.

oh i'm not getting the apartment either... someone else also wanted it and scooped it up sooner. oh well, i'll keep looking.

miss u, mr x.

return of the mac

2003-09-18T20:19:38Z

so i've been seeing a therapist for the last couple weeks, and she's helped me sort out what's gonna happen in the next little while. i have an apartment for october 1, i am sorting out the funding thing, hopefully i will be able to go back to school as well. i'm a little nervous about living alone with basically NOTHING... no tv, no computer, no furniture (well my mom is "donating" to me a hide-a-bed, so NEXT to no furniture), no dishes... should be interesting to say the least. i'm gonna be seeing a psychiatrist next wednesday to see if antidepressants are called for... of course they are! i'm kinda scared about that too, yet another person i have to open up to :S

the last little while i've been consumed with thoughts of the past. right before i fall asleep each night i think of... we'll call him mr. x... and i'm ripped apart by sadness. ooh story time!

last october i started talking to a guy who lived out of town. he seemed like a pretty cool guy, we had a lot in common and all that, and then i started getting a bit of a crush on him, as i seem to do so often. the funny thing is that he started liking me as well. i say this is funny because it never happens that way! either someone likes me or i like them, but very rarely do both happen at once. anyway, we started talking about the way we felt, and it grew stronger every day... we would talk online every day all day, because i wasn't working at the time (wow what a surprise), and we would be on the phone all night (i didn't need sleep because i didn't have to get up because i didn't have a job! haha!), and it was just amazing. we had so much in common, we liked the same music, we had a lot of the same fears and problems, it was scary how much we clicked. we talked about how much alike we were, and that made it really hard to be so far apart. so then he started talking about moving to edmonton to go to school, and i went nuts with anticipation. i even wrote a sappy love song, "fifty days", because that was how long i had to wait for him to move. then i made the mistake of sending him the song, and i think it freaked him out. he was getting lots of pressure from his family to do things their way, or something like that, and pressure from me to move down, and it just didn't go well with him. so he said that he couldn't cope with it all, and that was that. it hurt so bad, but i had never met him, so that made it a little easier to deal with.
move to about a month and a half or 2 months later, the whole thing is pretty much forgotten. then i get an email from him saying he would like to start talking again, so i jumped at the opportunity. we started talking again, picked it all up again, and of course the feelings returned, this time way stronger because he had made up his mind to move here. we talked and talked and talked, and i was so much falling for him that i started actually thinking about the reality of it, and i realized that because my roommate liked me so much and had his hopes that me and him would eventually get together, i didn't know what was gonna happen. fucking stupid moron me.

so mr x finally moves here, and on the phone one day tells me that he went to my work (tim hortons) and saw me... i was so freaked out! i looked like crap at work and i didn't want that to be the first impression he got of me. but he still liked me even after seeing me in my dorky uniform, lol. so finally we organized a time that we would meet... february 4th, 2003, 2 months before i turned 20, i met my soulmate. or at least i thought so... it was amazing. i was SO nervous that i took forever getting ready and i was like 20 mins late. i went over to his house, almost wanting to throw up i was so nervous, and when i knocked and his apartment door opened and i saw him for the first time... oh my god i fell in love right then and there. he was perfect. absolutely perfect. so i went in and we chatted a bit, i was amazed that i could even talk i was so nervous, but it went pretty good. i was kind of quiet tho, and i think i was biting my nails because i had stupidly forgot to cut them... i was sure i had made a terrible impression. we sat there watching a movie, i don't even remember which one, because all i could think of is please GOD let him like me, please please please!!! i kept trying to touch his foot with mine as we sat on his futon and watched the movie, but i didn't get up the nerve to actually do it... i think we watched nearly the entire thing, we might have even finished it and started another, who knows. then all of a sudden he grabbed my hand... and i knew right then and there that it was right. it was amazingly right. we started kissing (AMAZING KISSER!!!), then one thing led to another and we went into his room and fooled around a bit... it was heaven. it's getting hard to breathe even thinking about how amazing it was... i dunno.

i kept asking him if we could date and be a real couple, because that made sense to me. but he was torn between his straight friends and me, and because he wasn't out, i knew i couldn't win the battle. he kept saying no, yet we kept hanging out and being together and having sex and all that. i guess it was enough for me, but i always wanted more. then one day i was supposed to meet up with him after work, i called him and made the plans and all that, then my ex called and asked if he could come over and smoke me up. so i call mr x back and tell him that i'll be a little late because my x is coming over for 15 mins with some pot. he gets a bit grouchy, but says ok, and tells me to take a cab over when i'm done. so i get high, my ex leaves, and i call the cab. then i call mr x back to make sure we're still on, and i don't get an answer. weird. i call again, no answer. shit. i go check my msn, and there's a message saying he's just going to a friend's for a bit to pick up some weed, and he'd be back again. so i get pissed off, thinking if i had left without calling, i'd be shit out of luck. so i cancel the cab and wait to hear from him. 3 hours go by until i get a call from him. i kind of bitch at him, saying it was rude of him to just leave like that, and then he says "sorry, do u still want to come over?" and i say "no, we had plans for earlier and u broke those, now i have other plans" which i didn't, but i thought that this would show him that i don't like being disrespected. then he gets really quiet. oh no. i fucked it all up, i thought. he says he'll talk to me later... but i don't hear from him that night. all the next day i'm walking around like a zombie, SO EMMENSELY depressed that i can't even cry... i could hardly do a thing at work, everyone was so nice to me because it was obvious i was taking it hard. so i get home and call him, no answer. finally i see him online and i ask him "what's up?" and he tells me that he doesn't think it's gonna work out. OH MY GOD!!!! i almost died. he goes on to say that one of his friends' gf is a total bitch to his friend all the time, and that last night i reminded him of her, and he doesn't want to get involved with something like that. OH MY GOD!!! so i'm panicking, i apologize profusely, i'm so sorry, i had no idea i came across like that, it will never happen again, i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry! but it doesn't work. he needs some time to think about it... so i said ok, i can give u time. a couple days went by... 2 of the hardest days of my life... i was utterly drained. then i see him online and i ask him if he had thought things thru... yes, he had, and he didn't think it was gonna work. no no no no no no... so i launched into this speech about how i needed to be with him and it would never happen again, and i must have seemed fucking desparate. this really pissed me off because i know i wasn't at fault. he disrespected me, and i let him know, i wasn't rude about it, i was honest. i shouldn't have to apologize like that... but sometimes u gotta do things u don't want to in the name of love. and that's what it was... love... so i told him i loved him. silence. then "oh my god i'm so fucking scared".... what does that mean? thank god, he says ok we can still be together. omg i have never been so relieved in my life... things are ok now.

they went on like that for a while, really good, i would spend the night, telling my roommate that we were watching movies all night because mr x didn't have other friends in the city... i hated lying SO MUCH, i hated decieving my best friend... but i loved mr x, and i needed to stay living there because i couldn't afford it on my own, or so i thought. it was hard keeping it secret, both for me and for mr x... a couple times he almost told his friends about me inadvertantly, and had to always backtrack to cover his ass. it was hard. but we did it, until i kept asking him if we could date, please can we date... then he told me that he was moving back home at the end of june, which i knew, so he didn't want to have a hard goodbye... what??? as if it wasn't already going to be hard! that's the reason u won't date me!!!??? it was weird... i started thinking more and more about it... and a couple of problems arose. he found out that i had lied about a couple of things, like someone i had slept with, but i had lied before i even met him because i didn't want it to taint his perspective of me... still a lie tho... i thought that would have been the end, but i guess he got over it... i found out that he had lied tho as well, saying he had only had sex with one other person, which wasn't true. but i didn't call him on it because it wasn't that big a deal to me, people sometimes lie. i can get over it. but everything in combination was too much for him i guess... the pressure from his friends and family (very religious, so he was deeeeep in the closet), the pressure from me, he didn't know what he wanted to do with his future, he was depressed as well... very tumultuous times.

one day he goes to visit his family out of town, right before i'm supposed to go to calgary to audition for canadian idol. i wish he would have stayed to wish me luck... but oh well. then all of a sudden, 20 minutes before i have to leave for the biggest audition of my life so far, the most pressure i have ever put on myself, practicing and practicing, depriving myself of singing to save my voice, i quit smoking for it... he tells me that he doesn't want to see me anymore. it's too hard for him. wham. bam. boom. i died right then and there... april 25... i went numb. then i felt it all. oh my god, the worst pain i have ever felt in my life. HOW DARE HE DO THIS TO ME! so i go to my audition... how am i supposed to focus??? 3 hours drive time, nothing to do but dwell on the pain... but weirdly enough as soon as i got out of edmonton, somehow i put it out of my mind and it didn't hurt anymore. so i went, froze my ass off on the streets in a blizzard for 2 nights and days, auditioned, didn't make it, went home... and the pain came back. and i started my new job at rogers video 2 days after i got back... i was severly fucked up. i haven't been the same since... no self confidence, no self esteem, no hope for the future... i died that day.

thankfully time heals most wounds... this one hasn't healed completely... i still think of him all the time, we talk a bit now and then, but i still love him SO MUCH that it just hurts. so bad. something that was SO STRONG and then all of a sudden is gone... wow. that's hard to deal with. at night i still think of him, and i cry sometimes. sometimes i don't but i cant' breathe. sometimes i cry and i can't breathe. i haven't been able to see anyone since then... i tried twice but i'm too insecure and too down on myself and too in love with mr x. this probably seems really trivial to the world outside, but to me... oh my god i don't wish that pain on ANYONE. i'm sure it could have been worse, but to me, it couldn't have been ANY worse. i just want to marry him and live forever alone with him and only him... unhealthy wishes, but they're my own.

i'm sure i'll get over him, in a way i have, but in a way, i never will. and he'll never know just how i felt and feel... but that's life. anyway now that i'm all depressed again... i guess that's enough writing for now. mr x i know u'll never read this... but i love you and i always will. i hope you're happy and live a fabulous and wonderful life... and i hope i do as well. i love you.

if i'm away from u

2003-09-03T07:36:22Z

i know something's wrong
i can read u, what can i do to appease u
and to please u
that's all that i want
i'm not perfect but i'm worth it, i deserve this
and i'm at ur service

cuz i could not appreciate
the things u gave me every day
but i will try my best to let you know
(can u hear me now)

if i'm away from you
then i can never see the part of me i wanna be
how can i be strong
if i'm away from you
then that's the end of me, the tragedy, the final scene
it won't take me long
if i'm away from you

u push me away
like you hate me, you mistake me for the fantasy
but i am only me
don't turn off the lights
u need to see me to believe me to recieve me
and to complete me

and when you look me in the eye
i'm scared to hear you say goodbye
so i will try my best to let you know
(can u hear me now)

if i'm away from you
then i can never see the part of me i wanna be
how can i be strong
if i'm away from you
then that's the end of me, the tragedy, the final scene
it won't take me long
if i'm away from you

then my whole world falls apart
i can't survive if u're not there to help me thru
i can't go on, i can't be strong
if i'm away from you

if i'm away from you
then i can never see the part of me i wanna be
how can i be strong
if i'm away from you
then that's the end of me, the tragedy, the final scene
it won't take me long
if i'm away from you

if i'm away from you

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doot (makes sense to me)

2003-08-28T04:32:22Z

i'm trying to write a song. i have the background music pretty much finished, but the melody and lyrics are being a stubborn bitch and won't come to me. i asked travis if he could write some but he said not until we met up. (correction: i asked him to cuddle)

i think i am a great songwriter most of the time, but the last few months have been shit for writing lyrics and melodies. i dunno what's wrong with me! i need to take a songwriting class or something. or maybe i'm focussing too much on the instrumentation... last night i tried to just write lyrics and here's what i came up with:

"every now and then i take a little step back
from the million things that bring me down
i feel like a train going down the wrong track
what i wouldn't give to turn it around

but when i stop to take my bearings i see
just exactly what's been wearing on me"

that's all i could come up with! and it's not even good! *cries* i need a songwriting partner. i am mutt lange... where's my shania!!?? i'm thinking of unplugging for a while... just writing with paper and pen. maybe then it will work. i dunno

i still don't know if i want to go to carl's friend's party... i really really should, i said i would, so i guess i will... *cries some more* can't the world just go away!!?? oh! my friend jamie said i could move in with him if worse came to worse, which was really really awesome of him. i don't really want to impose or anything, i should really be dealing with this on my own, but i guess it would be better than being homeless. i still want to move back home tho, that would be my first choice. i miss jamie, i haven't seen him in like 10 months. we're supposed to hang out next week tho... he gets me! that's so rare, to be gotten. holden was right. GOOD GIRL!

ugh, this song keeps playing over and over... i need to write lyrics so i can sing to it!!! i'm tired of going doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doot... *CRIES A LOT* maybe someone will surprise me and write some lyrics, hehe. probably not tho.

smack smack... drool

2003-08-26T19:43:20Z

YAWN! i'm still tired. you would think that after 12 hours or so of sleep that i would wake up refreshed and ready for the day. not so! i could probably sleep another 12 if my bladder didn't keep waking me up... i hate that.

i had some pretty weird dreams last night, as usual, but today i can't remember any of them. usually i can. sometimes i even write them down, because some of them would make great novels or movies. but then i forget all about it and move on to something else. sometimes i even dream of songs that sound really good when i'm asleep, but i wake up and play them and it's like... what was i thinking?? the land of dreams is a strange and enchanted place.

what will i do today...? probably nothing. pathetic huh? this weekend or sometime next week i'm going to the hospital with my mom to get this depression thing figured out. for the last 3 years i have struggled with it, and i'm just plain sick and tired of it! i get so excited when i think of how my life will be when i don't have to worry about anxiety and panic attacks and all the rest. i know there's no pill i can take to just make it go away, but there's combinations of treatments that i believe will make a difference. my mom suffers really bad from depression, she has all her life, and since she sought treatment, she feels a thousand times better. but it was a long road for her. she had been seeing a psychiatrist for a while, but all the dr. ever did was give her more or different meds, and they weren't working. so my mom cried out for attention by swallowing some pills and then setting of her burglar alarm... i can't imagine the pain she felt inside to do something like that... oh wait, yes i can, because i've done that literally a dozen or so times, only i didn't use pills. but that's another story! anyway, she went to the hospital, and they started to take her seriously. they didn't just give her more medication, they worked out a treatment plan for her. scarily, tho, it involved electric shock therapy :S she's been thru a lot, that woman, and for that i look up to her. i hope my road to recovery isn't as long and strenuous as hers was... but i thank god every day that she's ok. and she is, she really is. so i have a little bit of hope.

i used to think that depression was just sadness, like if you got dumped by your boyfriend. a lot of people still do think that. but now i realize that it's a chemical imbalance in your brain, nothing you can control at all. some people say changing your diet will help, and i'm sure it would, but i think it's beyond that. i was officially diagnosed with depression when i was 18, and i hadn't been dumped. things in my life were pretty shitty, but there was no one thing that made me sad. in fact there were a lot of things that should have made me really happy. i'm a great musician. i write some pretty good songs, i can play piano half decently, and i can SING. i should be so thankful and feel so blessed to have these talents, yet they no longer made me happy. i felt like, so what, big deal, what good is talent if i can't leave my room? it was a pretty dark period in my life... one i would really like to forget. i still have those feelings; try as i might they will not go away. but there are times when i do feel good about them and myself. just not a lot of those times.

my friend's mom once told me, "you seem fine to me, you smile a lot and laugh a lot, i don't think you have depression." she thought i was using it as an excuse not to work and not to do anything about my life. maybe i was a little bit, but BELIEVE me, i know how good my life could be if i just went out there and worked and made money and had a life and all that stuff that everyone else does. i know because i've done it... sometimes i just get overwhelmed and feel like the walls are closing in and i can't breathe and i go numb. i was working at rogers video and one day on the way to work i just had a panic attack. i started bawling my eyes out, hyperventilating, my arms went numb, my lips went numb, i seriously thought i was going to die. of course i couldn't make it in that day, everyone misses a day now and then. so my roommate went in and told my boss that i had a migraine and i was going to the hospital. that was so embarassing, crying in front of him, having him go and lie to my boss for me... it shouldnt be like that. never ever. but for me, i have a lot of days like that. sure i could go out and find a job, but would i be able to keep it? it's been the reason i've quit/been fired from every job i have ever had except one, and that one was only a 2 month contract job. it shouldn't be like this, i shouldn't have to worry about stuff like that... i feel like a failure, like i'm a defect, or inadequate. and then it gets worse because i feel guilty, and before you know it, i'm curled up in bed, unable to make myself do anything. not fun.

so i am really looking forward to getting this thing fixed! i've tried, i've been to a psychologist, i've been on medication, i've been on social assistance because i couldn't work. i hate it. but who ever said it was easy? nothing worth anything is easy. but i do know that it will be easier to live my life once i know how to beat this thing. it sure couldn't get much harder!

i'm still sooo tired... maybe i'll go have a nap. maybe i'll dream of better days... first i gotta go pee. stupid bladder.

couch potato

2003-08-26T06:10:01Z

i swear, my life revolves around the tv or computer.

i just watched the GRANDE FINALE of the amazing race... only one of my favorite reality shows! and to make things even better, the fags won!!! WOOHOO!! and to make things EVEN BETTER, they were HOT! *dies happy* finally i am satisfied with the representation of my people on television. they don't lisp, they don't have limp wrists, they don't obsess about their hair or talk incessantly about sex or drugs... they were normal american men and they played the game FANTASTICALLY! go chip and reichen :)

anyway, on to another reality show, canadian idol was pretty good, tho i wasn't blown away by any of the singers. audrey was a little bland, ryan over-performed his, jenny was her usual unusual self, gary was very good, but not AMAZING, and billy gave a typical billy performance. i dunno what if it was the judges' picks or canada's voting, but the singers just aren't as good as the american idols! they're all good singers, but i don't think any of them would have made it on the american version. i know i shouldn't be comparing them, but it's the same show, just canadian. maybe i just have a taste for american singers. but i like shania and celine... i just wish there were a kelly clarkson or trenyce or even an rj helton. of the two singers i was voting for, one was voted off 2 weeks ago, and the other didn't even make it into the top 11. i guess i'm not as in touch with the canadian music scene... o well. next year i'll show 'em all by WINNING IT ALL! woohoo!

my friend travis wanted to hang out tomorrow, but i don't really think i'll be in the mood for it. he wanted to rent a movie and cuddle on the couch... so i quit msn before i could say yes or no... shameful! i've just said "maybe some other time" waaaaaay too many times, and still he asks. i'm really not worth all the fuss! nuts. and my friend carl wants me to go to a party with him on friday, but i won't know anybody but him, and i really would rather just stay home... i need a life but when i get the chance to have one, i say poo poo life! we'll see... i said i would go so i really should go... but i don't wanna!!! i just want to stay home and watch telly... :(

i tell ya nothing beats my telly.

the beginning

2003-08-25T19:24:32Z

well well, my first ever livejournal entry... i'm a virgin, be gentle!

today is monday, i don't like monday. i don't really like any day of the week tho... maybe saturday, sometimes. the only good thing about monday is canadian idol, which almost makes it worthwhile. it's the final 5 tonight, singing their hearts out, begging canada to take pity on them and vote for them to stay. at least that's how i see it... i should be up there tho! i did audition way back at the end of april in calgary, but i was too nervous and it was quite obvious that i am not all that comfortable singing in front of people. so i didn't make it, and now i can only watch. that's ok i guess, my time will come.

today i woke up at 7 am when my roommate got up for work. some damn idiot phoned 3 times in a row, so my sleep was pretty much ruined... no respect! it would have been nice to sleep the day away... i definitely don't have much else to do. i should be getting out there and looking for a job and a new apartment, but i just don't have the drive today. not like tomorrow will be any different, or the next day, or the day after that... i need some help. hopefully i'll get to talk to my mom tonight, and she might have some advice. i'm beginning to lose hope tho, i've been in this position dozens of times before; no job, no money, no hope for that changing any time soon. i wish i was one of those people who could just get up and feel like "wow, today's gonna be a great day. i'm gonna go to work, earn some money, and be a productive member of society." but instead, i wake up and feel like "ugh another day... can't i just fall back to sleep??" it's easier to deal with things when u're not conscious. i envy those in a comatose state.

something's definitely wrong with me that i feel like this all the time. depression, anxiety, nervousness, unexplainable mood swings, crying fits... how bizarre. even as i read this i say "buck up and deal with it! or go to a doctor! do anything but sit and whine about it." good advice! i do think i will take it. o wait, i already have... but i still feel the same. what gives?? great first impression huh?

maybe tomorrow will be a better day... maybe not tho. it'll be tuesday, and i don't really like tuesday.